642 Bathurst St., Toronto

May 15/16

Dear Lily,

It really is a shame that no one has written you before this, but mother and I have written practically no letters because we have both found it an effort (Mother especially) and I have felt that I could not write the kind of letter anyone - even you - would appreciate getting. This is where my style of letter, the rambling, gossipy, egotistical one, falls down.

I have been trying to go on with some of my Red Cross work although I had been relieved of some of it after Christmas, but outside of that have not been doing anything much. Of course I am not staying in altogether - I know Gord would not like that, and sometimes I simply must get away from my thoughts. I have been going to some club meetings, lectures and Red Cross Concerts, but have not the heart for any social gatherings - even small knitting teas - where I should, in respect to my hostess, have to be bright and talkative. You see, I think I have something of mother's feeling - looking back on him as a small boy, watching him develop - and above all remembering his wonderful patience when he had his broken arm and leg. And it does seem so hard to think how Dad has been watching and waiting for the time when Gord would most likely relieve him from a little responsibility. It is hard to understand why the taking off of such men as Gord (and he is only one among many) can be for the improvement of the world. Carl Farmer is leaving Ottawa yesterday or today with the Signallers - Groadie was saying the other day that now he did not count on Carl coming back; like us, he had felt that Gordon was one who would be spared to come back and carry on the work he was doing at home, but now says of all the boys he has known go away, it is the best and brightest who have gone to stay.

I know we should stop to think that others have had this experience to pass through several times - perhaps, but it is the apparent needlessness of his going - in the midst of his power. I know there must be a good reason for it somewhere, but it is almost impossible to think what it can be that can overbalance the work he could have done.

My faith is the more inclined to wobble because I have not been able to see why I am left here at home, where I am not at all needed. I may have been needed when I was first through, but now Jean is quite able to take hold and get things done to suit mother; in fact takes mother's place as much as, if not more, than I do now. You would notice an awful difference in mother in the last few years, she has lost all her old energy for planning and accomplishing things (not just this past year as a result of Gordon's going) - also for enjoying things: yet she will not let anyone else be responsible for the housekeeping. And really the more there are to do the work, the less there is done - unless each one is responsible for some certain part of it (but mother will not hear of that either) and I think I have been too much under the sway of time tables and systems of study. So, considering all things, I feel that I should be doing something else - that, after what Dad and Mother have given up that I should have my training, I should be of some real help to them - especially now when they no longer have Gord left to look to to make things a little easier for them, and when one cannot tell what may be ahead of us all. I fail utterly to see what plan I am fitting into in this aimless way, for I do not feel I am entitled to enter into much .. work either, when I am getting as much from Dad as the girls are.

Enough of a grouch - but sometimes it has to come out: it has become almost chronic the last few weeks, hence the lack of letters.

Mother has just come in from Bloor St. where she has been to get some little things to give Wat Krug (one of Gord's Chesley friends, you know) who leaves for overseas tomorrow morning. He and Harry are both in town today - expect to come in to see us this evening. Something else to report. Mother went out to church yesterday a.m. for the second time since February - rather an unfortunate choice, because there were four babies baptized, among them one who, we had been told, was called after Gordon. (Mr. Hagerman, Y.M.C.A. boys sec'y at Central, has also named his baby, born the day of the Memorial services, after Gord.) Church, I find, one of the hardest places to go these days: possibly because of the enforced idleness, and the endless references in prayer and sermon to the war.

By the way, how is Red Cross Work progressing with you people? There was some discussion over in the workroom this morning about the dwindling enthusiasm that many had noted; due, they thought, to the fact that the end of the war looked as far off: that when the work was fresh, and the end seemed in sight people were readier to work. To me, as to many others, it seems that our efforts should be redoubled because so many of our own boys are in the thick of the fight and hence on the casualty lists. The fact that there are so many needs and calls makes me miss my monthly cheque very much.

I suppose you heard from Rose of Grandma's accident. Two weeks ago Saturday when going to bed, turning into her room, she slipped and went headfirst down the back stairs - spraining her right arm and shoulder pretty severely. Of course, the shock was about as bad as the sprain - she was in bed for two weeks, perfectly helpless, and as impatient as a child - worse, in fact, for more might have been expected of her. The last three or four days she has been getting up about noon, putting on a heavy dressing gown and sitting at the front window: but she hates to go off to bed again in the evening. It is quite a strain on our nerves because she can neither read nor play cards, and when two or three others are trying to read or write in the sitting room in the evening, you can't read to her. It has been hard on Mother - because she, of course, has had the care of her, and the rubbing and bathing has recalled our boy and his bright patient ways when he was laid up. (It is the thought of him lying wounded and suffering that hurts so - but thank God we know it was for only 24 - 30 hours, that he was attended to at once, and, according to the nurse, did not suffer.

By the way, Dad sent you a copy of Canadian Manhood, did he not? We just realized yesterday that Gordon appears in the group on the cover; perhaps you have already noticed it, if not look at it again.

I do wish Mother and Dad could go West this summer or fall; but that is Dad's busy time, and I'm sure Mother would not consent to leave him to our tender mercies, even if she felt she could afford the trip.

Nearly at the end of these sheets, and no mention of Eleanor: that would never do. She is fine- healthy- loves to stand, but does not make much attempt to walk; has five teeth and is an imp of mischief. Love to all.

J. Louise