23                    “THE O-PIP”
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If we were called upon at any time to award prizes for farm cleanliness, we would cut out the Frenchmen off the list. His idea of keeping things natty is not the same as we have in the army. Nay! nay! Pauline! A horse died one day at the place where we camped, and the old boy lay around for several days before he was laid to rest. In the meantime we suffered.

We have had only about a week of billets, and that’s all we want, thanks—unless its somewhere in England. They can put us in a sewer there if they wish.
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To LETTER WRITERS

We know that it is hard to start a letter. You always have to start the same old way, and it sounds “bromidie,” and conventional. You start off: “Dear Ma—I received your most welcome letter of, etc., etc.,” or “I have your last letter to hand, and was glad to,” etc., etc., or “Now that I haven’t written for so long I suppose you thought I was dead,” etc., etc., or “I take now my pen in hand to jot off a few lines,” etc., etc.

These are all time-worn starters, and now that everything is being revolutionised, we offer a few for your approval.

To your Aunt.
   “Old Thing,
   “Crash!!!! Bang!!!! Zowie!!!! Hang on girls! it’s not shells I’m talking about, but the guys in here are hunting rats with old boots and shell cases. They, etc., etc.”

To “Her.”
   “Delightful, darling, dopey, Daisy,
   “Before I start I’m going to have a little pow-pow with the Censor guy.

“Dear Censor,
   “Now be a regular fellah for once in your life! I’m no German spy; I don’t spell my name Von anything; I’m not giving away any International secrets, so just put this letter back where you got it. You know how it would be if some other fellah read the stuff you write to your girl, sure you do. That’s the old boy! Thanks!!

   “Now, Daisy, let’s go to it, he’s off the scent. Although the snow is very deep and wet here, I don’t feel a bit slushy to-day, so, etc., etc.”

Brilliant, aren’t they?