August, 8 1944
AC1 Steel, W.G.
No. 3 F.C.U.,
I think in my last letter I didn't acknowledge your telegram, the use of which didn't get me anywhere. I'm very much afraid that getting home to be Best Man is impossible. This indeed grieves me as I very much would have liked to have filled this position.
It never seemed possible to me that you'd be getting married before the end of the war and this situation takes the cake. From Dad's letter I would judge that there is considerable chance of not obtaining a substitute for me. Dad seems to have gone to work on George Foster and your friend Mr. Pratt. This is quite a fix. Why did I have to wind up so situated, a man of my supposed qualifications? It is only my present status in the forces, mind you that screws everything up, nothing else. If I were still with the bank I'd declare a Bank Holiday and swiftly come to your aid.
So you had better stop entertaining the hope that I may yet make it. I, myself, will remember for a long time that on account of certain individuals, I could not be at my own brother's wedding even while I was located in the same province.
Meanwhile, of course, I shall be with you in spirit during your hour of trial and great fixation to the gnat. May I extend my sincere good wishes for both your futures as Steel and Gnat, Inc., for all time on Earth. I am certain that you are doing an excellent thing and feel utmost confidence in you both so that there is no doubt in my mind that your marriage is going to be an asset to you both and also a great success. I envy you a great deal even though my present feeling toward such an undertaking on my own part is well known to yew.
No doubt, if you are able to establish the identity of the BOOR who betook it on his pimply self to borrow your lid, you will suspend him for a week on the highest Rock of Gibralter by his breasts by means of suction cups. Such an incident among Officers is almost inconceivable and if I were C.O. there would be another Pride's Purge. Lucky in a way though that you can in your present status, able to afford another.
St. Andrews by the Urine is an excellent spot, I recall from going through there with R. Hunter Parsons. You might arrange from there a short trip during your honeymoon to St. Stephen and Calais, across the border.
As you know I am a character of most modest means so I arranged for a symbol for your wedding through the folks to be settled for by check from me. This is no location for superb Dry Goods displays anyway, you'll recall.
In the near future I will pay Royal attentions to you and your bride, though, such that there will be established in both your minds the greatness and power of the Great Drinkenstein.
Of course I can't write you any more lewd letters like the last few, in order not to corrupt your Holy Mind.
I sincerely hope for your sakes that you get posted to Pennfield Snot-; as you suggest that would indeed be a set-up. There should be no call to rip you away from this fair Dominion immediately in the present crisis.
I am also pounding a letter out to Young Odding this morn so I'll begone now; I'll wire any change in my situation but you safe bet now is to count me out, as much as I hate the thought,
P.S. I got a big kick our of your telegram being signed "LOVE"