July 21, 1944
Herewith please find a script written in Egyptian and Arabis for your digestion.
I waf moft pleafed with your recent fcroll af it waf indeed a masterpiece of your excellent talentf and keen brainf.
You must have been greatly pleased to have a visit from the Gnat and her understudy, Joan F. W. Richards. That is the kind of a girl to have. Jeeter and F.W. must be hitting it off alright, eh wot?
Your intention of buying the Gnat a ring before offing to Chair-many entirely meets with my approval.
I note a new qualitiy in the scrawl of the Great Swinestein in that as per yer explanation you are penning with the Parker Jazz. Good. (Jazz this, will ya?)
Receipt is hereby acknowledged of 3 times $5. Thanks very much. You may anticipate return of same in my first letter of next month.
Your letter or I should say the envelope was stamped Halifax. It didn't seem to be censored, though. Of course the censor would have quite a time with some of our letter, wouldn't he?
Yesterday was Field Day here. I was given the day off to participate in the sports events. Of course I was only an onlooker. Perhaps the most interesting (F'me) event was the catching of the "greasy pig." This is brought about by releasing a well greased porker into the stinking girdles and fetid bodies of the crowd, most of whom were local yokels or BOORS. The pig wasn't very active and consequently was soon caught. My idea of making him more active has two alternatives. 1. Scratch his arse a few times with a sharp blade and apply turpentine. 2. Give him an enema of Fluoric Acid. I was watching the event and was amazed to find that my eyes had moved to Sticklen by mistake.
Last night we had a free dance for us. After dancing around with the blobs of leprosy they call females here I noticed that the music was more easy to follow than usual;. So I gawked over at the orchestra with raised eyebrow and pursed lips and noted that we were being catered to by the elite Bruce Holder. Just now I have two girlfriends, both from Newcastle. One is very pretty, believe it or not and the other one is not too bad. Both clean stuff. No halitosis, BO, sweaty crotch odor.
As one can now get a discharge by being thrown into essential industry I am again getting the fiendish and naturally unfounded idea that I am not fond of this excellent outfit. So, after much mature consideration and the pulling of a few wires, not including my own, I may be a disgusting civvie before the year is out. I haven't formulated any plan yet but it is being turned over in my Great and Mighty Brain.
Writing a trade test at the end of the month for "B"LAC. I should get Corp. or even Sarge by Oct. or Nov. if I don't get fucked. If course I don't imagine the Air Farce would want to "do it" to me.
Mother writes that Beetleman got quite a kick out of the school incident of the aforementioned name.
Took my fetid fizeek for a swim in the Mirimajesus near Newchristle. The salt water was warm and very refreshing. Had a few of Scotch and re-entered same liquid and found it to be even more refreshing.
Please write soon if you can spare the time as I get a lift from your letters because of the amazing hospitality shewn to the airmen here,
P.S. Release me, Boorman, remember your tits. . . . .